What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
I’m a CASHEW!
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?" The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
