What did the orca say to greet the sperm whale?
Whale-cum.
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Our front door was locked, so I tried to force it open.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole…
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
I’m deathly afraid of speed bumps,
but I’m slowly getting over it.
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle…
…with 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border. A week later the same thing happened. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling." Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
A Donald Trump Joke
Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits. Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds. Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?” Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500. An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”. The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when
she fell onto the floor. She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.