What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.