What did the pirate say on his 80th Birthday?
Theocracies are always such a good idea.
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
Mr. Steal yo job, coming to where a co-worker was last week…
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
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Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
“Dont judge me”? See you in hell.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
Congrats to 1 million!
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
Incorrect code review
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”
It’s the world we live in
daaad it’s for important studies
tHe RiCh ShoULd pAy LeSs TaXeS
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
I for one like Roman numerals.
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Living off these short highs
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
Hahaha phone bad selfie bad
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
The law applies to everyone but meeeee
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
This joke holds up!
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
On same-sex marriage
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
Found in r/funny
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
The sad reality of taxes
So I wanted to ask this cross-eyed girl out
She said "Sorry, I'm seeing someone else"
An interesting title
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
i hate my wife so much
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Try drinking Methanol
Makes me chuckle everytime.
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
When you debate function/variable naming at work
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
Local popcorn place as a bunch more of these on the walls
There’s so many things to do with $1000.
I could use a sandwich.
Deep Boomer Humor
technology make wife fat
It do be like that
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
With great power comes great responsibility
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
When the api returns the data as xml
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Unfortunately this is how the people with power see the world