What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
The difference is staggering.
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
But when I do, he laughs.
Only driven from time to time.
Never mind, you won’t get it.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
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We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
There was just too much history between us.
I said toucan play that game.
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back–wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
it seems a little fishy
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
I lost my case
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
You get a laughingstock. Which is humerus.
To beat the crowd.
He spoke very highly off it.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Thanks for nothing!
I'm not joking, but he is.
It’s where I flip your MOM over
That's when I knew it was time for the talk. 'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.
is it called an Edison now?
…said it was only used from time to time.