What did the sea say to the shore?
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
Kid: mmmph.. mmrr…
To get to the other slide.
— what did he say? — I don't know. I didn't listen.
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
I heard that he was framed.
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
He was tired of being a web developer.
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
He's my father in law
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
But he was nicholas.
Because they have 2 Shifts…
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
Sails are through the roof.
The can both soften your stool.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
I don't know but Alaska.
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
Your Pupils. They dilate.
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”