What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?
Suture self.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
Being Muslim is tough
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
I’ve read “ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
No text found
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
