What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
Where do you store dad jokes ?
In a dad-a-base
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
