What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.