What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
A cop walks up to a lawyer…
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it…
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
I used to be addicted to not showering…
I’m proud to say I’m officially clean!
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
If I won $300,000, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime