What did the yogi say after riding his pet llama to the ashram?
Llamaste.
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
![[NSFW] Triple D Boobs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/sID9hHy-400x659.jpg)
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
A father has three daughters of dating age
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.
They say it's a blast from the past.
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
