What did the yogi say after riding his pet llama to the ashram?
Llamaste.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy?
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes …
But I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey "
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
I was using the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance
So I pushed her over
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.