What did you do today?
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for you”
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo