What do Asian cannibals eat?
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I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
It was pointless
I should have bought asparagus
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She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
It just didn't cut it anymore
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
It ended in a tie! 👔
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
I don't want to interrupt her
You make them VERY ANGRY.