What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
Its called inflation.
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
Me: “I’m going to clone myself”
Dad: "that would be just like you".
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors…
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick…
They’re like “ooh I want to see it” But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.