What do French people smoke?
Oui'd
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: That’s so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: That’s so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home…. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. 'BOB, wake up……. You've shit the bed!
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
