What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.
When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was last in line. The quartermaster tells Jim, “I’m sorry but now we’re all out of bayonets. Tie this banana on the end of your stick and when you’re doing drills, yell “Stabety Stab Stab!’” It goes well, but after just a couple weeks of training Jim finds himself in the actual war! He’s on the front lines, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. But then an enemy soldier jumps out in front of him, and his training takes over. He points his stick and yells, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The soldier falls down dead. Another rushes him from the back. Jim twists around and yells’ “Stabety Stab Stab!” and that soldier also falls down dead. “Maybe that quartermaster was a wizard “, Jim thinks as he takes down enemy soldiers right and left. “Bangety Bang Bang”! “Stabety Stab Stab!” But then a very burly soldier steps in front of Jim. “Bangety Bang Bang!”, he yells. Nothing happens. The soldier keeps coming. “Stabety Stab Stab!”, he tries. Again the soldier keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!” Nothing fazes the soldier as he slooooowly pushes Jim over, and tramples him to death. The enemy soldier looking down at Jim says in a very, very deep voice, “Tankety Tank Tank”.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
A Chinese man enters a Jew’s lingerie store…
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.