What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
Dad joke
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
What did the elevator say to the stairs?
I don't know. I'll escalator.