What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
What do you call a child born in a whore house?
A Brothel Sprout
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated…
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
I mixed an orange flavored soda and a twig once…
…it was fantastic!
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!