What do snowmen call their kids?
Chill-dren
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
A man heard that masturbating before sex…
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
I was sitting in a bar lastnight…
When the bartender yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said back, "CPR? I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
Don’t buy anything with Velcro on it.
It’s a total rip-off!
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
A German pushes his brother off a cliff
"look mom no hans!"
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.
On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … Ohhh … God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, what’s dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.