What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
Finding the loot
Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – to act as a translator. “Tell Jose that he must tell us where he has hidden the loot from the bank robbery.” “The gringos say to ask where you have hidden the loot.” “Tell the gringos I will never tell them.” “Jose says he will never tell you.” The Rangers pull out their six-guns, cock them, and point them at Jose. “Tell Jose if he does not tell us where he has hidden the loot, we will kill him.” “The gringos say if you do not tell them where you have hidden the loot they will kill you.” Jose begins to tremble with fear. “I buried it by the old oak tree on the other side of the bridge.” “Jose says he is not afraid to die.”
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar. The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad! The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices on me and threw me in a jar! The penis glaired at both of them and said, you assholes think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy someone puts a rubber trap over my head, sticks me in a dark room and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!
A man approaches his best friend’s wife one day
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
What do you call a dog floating in water?
A good buoy
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
The Ultimate Joke:
This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks…
I'm outstanding.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
