what do vegan zombies eat?
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
Translating CNN stories to their actual meaning!
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
Joining the Boys in next year’s edition
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
To the person who stole my glasses, I’m warning you
I have contacts.
When Jared Kushner says the National Stockpile is not for the States
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
Girls With Big Tits.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
Two women meets in the afterlife,
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
Wait A Minute!!!
That one guy in the team!
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
Reducing and Reusing are actually better for the environment than recycling.
My neighbor walked past with two dogs and I said, “I didn’t know you had dogs.” He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.”
I exclaimed, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Bernie takes the gloves off
Spanking = No gangs
My turn to post as in promised
Man, I really love my furniture
me and my recliner go way back.
No, you go first
less humor, more trying to spread info.
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
I dont like learning about myself
I’ve got to hand it to this guy.
The Germans know exactly how this story finishes
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
I’ve seen enough I’m satisfied
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
K+ sparing diuretic
In alternate reality
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
Courtesy of my mother’s Facebook
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
If this was accurate, the tire would be bigger
Proof, Trump came from Stackoverflow 😎
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
Shocking When You Consider…
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
‘Tis the season
It’s that time of year again
Makes my job easier.
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
“Thanking” us with their lives
Just Trump Things
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
is it Classy?
Corporate America showing its true colors
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Different reactions to New App Idea’s
Friend: Your wife and daughter look like they could be twins!
Me: Well, they were separated at birth.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
For a Milkyway
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.