What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees! Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?” She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”
I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
Not all math puns are terrible.
Just sum.
I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people…
But none of them work.
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”