What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it
Neeeooooooow
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!” The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I’ve got two pet monkeys who share an Amazon account…
They're prime mates…
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Tequila wont fix your life..
..But its definitely worth a shot.
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
