What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them!
Hearing aids!
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
Some things go without saying:
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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
What was the tallest mountain in the world until Mount Everest was discovered?
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
The rotation of the earth makes my day
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I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
Dog for sale . . .
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.