What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
The weather just isn't suitable
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
I’m now the CIEIO.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
A non-prophet organization.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
It causes the microphones to rust.
I don't know and I don't care.
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Should I let her know?
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Looking at it now, I see why.