What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
I looked deep into her eyes
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
![[Laughs in Socialist]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/g3g3erkrwqk41-400x488.jpg)
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
