What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
What kind of organization does an atheist start?
A non-prophet one
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18