What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake?
A πthon
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman…
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?” And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
A Cowboy walks into a bar
Two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left. Who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of Yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellow's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly claims, FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY….'Like A Rock!" and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked,"Why Secret? That's a women's deodorant." The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
Game of Thrones Spoiler
Game of Thrones
A lady who is cheating on her husband
There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day they are having sex and she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says"oh no! What should we do?!" she says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the livingroom!" Once they're in the livingroom she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue,just stand in and pose,my husband will never know you're real, he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "whats that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the livingroom in that pose too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!"
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.