What do you call a baby birthed while skydiving?
Air-born!
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t
The Sax is too good
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
I don’t know how some people walk around with 20% battery
I don’t know how some people walk around with 20% battery
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?” “The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!” “How does he drive you crazy?” “For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.” The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?” “He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!” “Hmm, anything else?” The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!” “Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.” So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?” The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.” The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.” “What did he say?” “He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!” The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.” The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.” The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.” “Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.” The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble. And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.” “This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.” “What did he say?” The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
Btw – Verb, not Adjective
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!" Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"