What do you call a bee from America?
A USB
Why is 10 always afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
A midget walks into a brothel NSFW
A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him. She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?". He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey". The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee. She says "well that doesnt sound so bad". "It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
The 10th film for The Fast and Furious was just announced
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me? Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
My friend told me he was using sodium hydroxide to clean his pillows
What a weird thing to lye about
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
Wife: honey I’m pregnant, we’re going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
It’s hit or miss
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I was on a date with a woman who said “I am a big country fan.”
Me trying to sound intelligent: " Well, China is 3.7 million square miles. "
