What do you call a bilingual person who’s about to get a sex change?
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
A Redditor walks into a bar
Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
What’s red and bad for you’re teeth?
A Brick.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.
I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early…
"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy. "Sure is dark in here." "Indeed it is," the man responds. "I have a baseball," says the boy. "That's nice," he says. "I'll sell it to you for $50." "$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son." "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?" "Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50. A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet. "Sure is dark in here," says the boy. "Oh, it's you again." "I have a baseball glove." "Alright, how much do you want for it?" "$700." "$700? That's absurd!" "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?" "Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid. That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around." The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove." "For how much?" he asks. "$750." "$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession." They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth. "Sure is dark in here," he says. The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.