What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
I’m assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Success is like pregnancy
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.
Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
This was shared on Facebook in an album of different boomer cartoons depicting “phone bad”
https://ift.tt/2QRqBjn
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
