What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident…
an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,"What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him
"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction. The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something…", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time". "Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next. The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face. That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"… The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Why did the blind guy fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:
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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, "You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light. “No madam”, said the gardener.
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering. "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.