What do you call a blind German in the 1940s?
a Not-see
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system
It has a nice ring to it
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and Iβm still at work.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: Weβll cross that bridge when we get there.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
Heβs also going to see Stan Lee next week!
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
One manβs trash is another manβs treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister. "Hmm, Yes it is" "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says "You see that bridge over there?" The AP replies "No"
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
I was a big metal fan back in high school.
Back in high school I was a big metal fan. At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party. It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden … and probably quite a few more. As the night went on people are getting drunker and drunker and a few even disappear upstairs to hook up. I was standing in the corner by myself not really interacting with anyone else. I had spent the whole winter sitting in a damp basement in front of a computer and was probably a bit rusty. The party's heating up and this blonde girl notices me standing there and walks over to me. She had already taken her jacket off and was just wearing a tank top. This girl looked super hot. She smiles and runs her hand over me. My pole was seriously hard. Then she kneels down in front of me and as you can imagine I was already turned on at this point. She's pushing all my buttons and my head is spinning. It's not long before I blow all over her face and chest. Her boyfriend is right in the next room, she hadn't closed the door and he just saw the whole thing. He walks up to us, looking really hot under the collar. He gets right up in my face and she backs away, but she accidentally trips over my extension chord because I was a … big … metal … fan.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, βGood morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?β With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. βWait, ladies,β cried the professor, βThe boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!β
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter’s eyes.
I told my wife: There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!" This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I donβt know. Sir Cough I guess.
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said βson, what is A for?β βApple!β βThatβs right! What is B for?β βBanana!β Thatβs right! What is C for?β βExplosive!β
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I donβt.
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta