What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
An American biker decides to travel the world
Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day. One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe. For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome. After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest. He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. “My name is Yu! It’s an honor to meet you!” the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick. It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too. The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu’s father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded. Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn’t have his beloved Chinese maiden. So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do…. Rick rolled back into town screaming, “I’m never gonna give Yu up!”
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
“Darling, I have to tell you something”
A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something" Wife replies: "What?" Husband: "I don't know how to say this" Wife: "What?" Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you" Wife: "What?" Husband: "You're completely deaf" Wife: "What?"
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
An airplane was about to crash..
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”
Has anyone checked on Oklahoma recently?
I want to make sure they're still OK
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
Who did Luke Skywalker learn to make pastries from?
WARNING: THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE Obi-wanCANNOLI I’ll show myself out.
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens…
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart…
So, John decides to come up to me one day – out of the blue – and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends – again, me. “So, I saw your father yesterday.” This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths. “You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?” “Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.” What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.” “Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down. “Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?” John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.” I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.” “Why?” “Because my father is a gynecologist.”
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?