What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.