What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for decades?
Church
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well. The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat. The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!” The priest says “Do we have time?”
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
Floppy Disks are like Jesus
They died to become the icon of saving