What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
Can February March? No, but April May.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
And when the donation tin is makes it's way to the gay man, he leaves a $1000 in the tin. Once the tin makes it's way back to the pastor, the pastor is shocked! He yells, "Whoever left such a generous donation, please make yourself known!". The gay man stands up and says "I did". The pastor smiles at the man and says, "This church thanks you for such a gift! The congregation would love for you to choose 3 hymns". The gay man starts pointing around the church and saying "I will take him, and him and him!"
he came running jk rowling
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I have a complex complex complex
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
Your pupils. They dilate.
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
He responded, “can’t complain.”
A neigh sayer.
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
Just two palms, no dates.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Happy Father's Day!
an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,"What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
It’s his altar ego.
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
… for putting her hair in a bun.
No text found
Same middle name.
It's like he blew up overnight.
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
“Yours is one what?”
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
They each got six months.
Or did you just take my breath away?