What do you call a boomerang that won’t return to your hand?
A stick.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
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Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
One friend of mine is LITERALLY a legend…
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: “Yes.”
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine replied, "Yes, sir!"
![ITS INDESTRUCTABLE!!!! [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mqitq2lixh441-400x400.jpg)
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back