What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
I was in the bar last night and this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!”
I asked, “Is that a fret?”
If lightning always follows the path of least resistance
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
engrained
engrained
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
The new employee.
This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm…I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…"She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo…it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before…." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
Velcro is such a rip-off
No text found
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.