What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
