What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
D’aww, Tuckerrr. You fucking idiot.
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
Fixing in production
comedy is dead, i can no longer say the n word
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner
Like a lazy tailor would say…
The new baby Yoda
Literally the life we all live.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Got sent this and thought it belonged here…
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
Someone explain this to me
Big brain time
Probably incorrect meme
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Latest cartoon from Michael de Adder
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
How often do people die in hospitals?
Deadlier than Corona
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
WHO warns Europe over Covid-19
An interesting title
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
Found this in the woods today. It’s a DNS log.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
Is there a doctor in the house?
6ft from priests.
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
Sasquatch spotted in DC
I uhh… what? NSFW.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
I think that’s beautiful
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
Ok this one gave me a chuckle
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
Teacher asked me to keep all the equations in my head
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
There! I fixed it . Everyone back to work !!
Big up our antibodies
Might as well
It’s finally happening!
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
When someone is talking about the big O
Putting on a Dog and Putin Show
“OH, we didn’t know…”
Redneck America’s true religion.