What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
Thatβs a nice ham youβve got there…
Itβd be a shame if someone put an βsβ at the front, and an βeβ at the end…
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyβd be bagels.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Why canβt Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He canβt keep the lilies alive.
A guy’s credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.
Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now? Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife. Cop: Then why are you reporting it now? Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, βThis isnβt for me.β
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&Mβs.
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Why do parallel lines get on so well?
Because theyβre straight up with each other.
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.