What do you call a Catholic marrying a Catholic, and a Protestant marrying a Protestant.?
Same Sects Marriage.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
But some people eat that shit up.
It's the neighborhood watch.
But none of them work out
My buddy Brian does it for me.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Oops, wrong place for this post.
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
Dress her up as a choir boy.
Now I know why people call you handsome
It must be in Airplane! mode.
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
Little did he know toucan play at that game
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
He brews it
"I've gotta know, does Viagra really work?" The pharmacist replied, "it sure does. In fact, I use it myself." "Good to know. Can you get it over the counter?" "Well, yes, if I take two of them."
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
I didn't put in enough shifts
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
Something inside me is telling me yes
One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" The other responds "You are on the other side!"
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning