What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
Why did the coffee file a police report
It got mugged
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”
It’s where I flip your MOM over
-I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
“I dropped my toothpaste!”
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’ Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
Ex-Wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!" Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
I was told to post this here
this here
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . . The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes." The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
A black boy walks into the kitchen…
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
