What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
So there’s a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.
One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, the boss wants to know where it is" Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about" The translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" The translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through the sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" The translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about" The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table and points a gun to the accountant's head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here" Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "Well, boss, he said go fuck yourself"
An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.
The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes. The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following: 1) she wants 10 million dollars 2) she wants to be 18 years old again 3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears. The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted. She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it. Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed. Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen. Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes. Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat. Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, “Hi Tiger, how are you feeling?” Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, “Well ducky, I bet you’re feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I think my wife is a time traveler
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I got a job grooming police horses
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed