What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.
Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?” “What are you doing?” the cop asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.” Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?” “I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded. “How old are you?” the cop inquired. “I’m 22, Officer.” “And the girl—how old is she?” The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli…
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Today, in honor of 4/20, I’m letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor