What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
If it isn’t autocorrect… EDIT: In case you haven’t noticed, this is a repost. I’m not trying to cover it up, I don’t care. Just wanted to put it out there so the constant spam of comments calling me out on it can let up for a bit.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
You look for the fresh prints.
There was nothing left but de Brie
They use their Endor voices.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
Because he spends years at C!
I am now independent.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
He tells the bartender “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says “Yes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!” The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
I said its Narnia business
Because there's no post on Sunday
– It's about time!
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I'm not kidding.
The library,it's got the most stories
Because of all the coffin!
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
About a handful
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
it’s not stroganoff.