What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." EDIT: formatting…
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened? FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"? FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie.
Me: “Do you shower after having sex?”
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do." Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it