What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo…
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
I saw a communist joke the other day,
I just had to share it with everyone
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.