What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
Alien vs. predator.
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
There would be mass confusion
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
We never turn our back on Family
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
Because you can’t C in the dark
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
I just had to share it with everyone
He was beside himself
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
They were cooked in Greece.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
An undercover cop.
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.