What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
What’s the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo Doll before it leaves the factory?
They give it two test tickles.
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about people who don’t exercise
But none of them work out
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
