What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?
It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.
Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma. He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no one would see. So, he decided that he would do it. The husband goes into the room, and the nurses gathered outside of the room with their eyes glued to the monitor, hoping something would come of it. Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines. The nurses are shocked. The husband comes out of the room, and the nurses immediately ask him what happened. He responds, "I think she choked."
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
No text found
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
I love him
I love him
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
A police man pulled over a miner.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
Username checks out.
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours
So they called it a day.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?
They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..
