What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
It’s always his fault
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
Isn’t freedom great?
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
Guys I accidentally downloaded a virus onto my pc help
Zombies would be more realistic
When “Deplorables” is too subtle for your base:
My multithreaded application
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
What do you call a dog that does magic?
Baby genitalia, am I right?
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
Just shut up Jr.
HE FINALLY ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING OBAMA COULDN’T
Thanks I hate big data now
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
Now all they can eat are rubber gloves.
Trump Loyalty Test
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
My job as a husband is to be awful
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I guess this is ok..
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Laura Ingraham wants to talk to COVID-19’s manager.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
That’s a lot of data
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
In light of the transcripts released today this seems relevant
So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
Tries to restore from previous version
White Karen gaslighting herself
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
Found this on facebook
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
Found on my grandma’s fridge
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
For all the chemists out there on Reddit
Question for you
I only serve the reaction