What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic
Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic: There isn't any iceberg. There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean. The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon. There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg. We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly. The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg. We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them. We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors. Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats. I really don't think we need that many lifeboats. We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats. The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship. Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
https://ift.tt/2XM0qgO
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine