What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
My dad is coolerblind.
you red that wrong
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all…..
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
Whose design makes it look as though they reek of urine and egg farts? This cunts…
https://ift.tt/2wlcxbF
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
Epileptic Santa!
"He seizures when you're sleeping."
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Also heard something like:Faster you go slower the time around you. So if you move as fast as light ,which is the limit, the time will stop around you. And if you go faster than light you will travel back in time.(I’m not sure of that information so please correct me if I’m wrong)
https://ift.tt/2RNcaiq
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
What rhymes with orange
No it doesn’t.
Genie: You have only one more wish left.
Me: I wish I was a star. Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.